ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
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“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Some people were born into their job.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*