ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
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Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
O Wise One….
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet