A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”