If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Looking at you, Jesus.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.