Finally, an explanation.
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)