My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
You Might Also Like
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.