MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
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Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Ken is short for chicken
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Sometimes? I’m slipping
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.