“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
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I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.