If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
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BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.