the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
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Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.