Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
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Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.