You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
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[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.