Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
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I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’