don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
where the womens at?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
January is lasting longer than my marriage
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”