Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
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The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
What the hell is going on?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Try and stop me.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.