The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
You Might Also Like
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package