Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
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I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
“i am a sweet baby”
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]