just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
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FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Good dog. ❤️
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two