ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
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Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.