I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
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Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
These are my roll models.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.