mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
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this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Seems legit
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
(True)
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?