“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
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[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Awesome parenting 😂
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey