Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
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You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: 鈥aybe call the horses?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I mean I鈥檓 not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
If this doesn鈥檛 sum up England nothing will 馃槀馃槀 #snow #weather #uk
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way