I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
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Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I bet
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*