I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
When he asks for feet pics
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
one of
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???