*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
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I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
They did not think through this water fountain
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Respect
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS