Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
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My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.