I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
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6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
My last name is Zilla.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.