stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
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My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/