i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
The Friday File.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3