mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
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If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Always…
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery