Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…