me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
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We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.