When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
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When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.