When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
You Might Also Like
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Breaking news:
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.