My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
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HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Something Saturday.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged