Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
#Caturday
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.