The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
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I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.