Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
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i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣