Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I have so many questions.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.