Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
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I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Y’all ready for this
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.