The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
went fishing caught a bass
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no