No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
The best plant holders?
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill