date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
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i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
*gets down on one knee*
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.