I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
You Might Also Like
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Traveler’s camo
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.