Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
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Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
The struggle is real.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*