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Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.