Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
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[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?