Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.