*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
omg leave her alone
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
can’t believe I got front row seats
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
relationship goals
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.